My Band

If you've ever been in a band as cool as mine, you know that it is absolutely necessary to have two things: authentic Antares Autotune and really cool t-shirts to throw out to fans.

I'm an entrepreneur. I can literally spell that word on the first or second try. And I am an authorized user on Host's emergency credit card. That makes me a business owner.

My band is a well-known internet phenomenon. It is an investment gold mine. And that is why you, fans, supporters, and middle-aged men who I met at Osh-Kosh message boards, should be OUTRAGED that Host is no longer letting me wear or sell my "Useless Eaters" t-shirts.

Instead, Host and Host #2 insist that I wear my suit, pictured left, which I HATE. It's LINEN. We live in BOSTON. It's SCRATCHY. It comes with a BEANIE. You feel me. OUTRAGE. Host says it's my fault because this is the only suit he could find in a size Toddler 2XL and no tailor will come near me because I scream "He touched me!" at them.

This is a broken world we live in.