Wednesday, March 24, 2010

Pinochet & Konundrum

Besides liberty and freedom, what Tubba misses most from the second Bush administration is Star Wars.

Not the movies. I annexed 7.5 GB of Jeremy's iPhone to house permanent copies of both Star Wars films. Notice how I say both, as in two. Can't throw all strikes, George.

No; what I miss is the Star Wars program at which I was employed as Chief Scientific Officer until the Communists shut it down.

Our ambitious plan was to thwart Soviet missiles by intercepting them with lasers.

Think of how safe you'd feel, knowing that you are blanketed in an invisible shield that has faked more than one successful trial. Sadly, the program is no more, damn commies.

But not to fear; sleep soundly at night, my friends. Tubba has a new solution, propelled by thousands of years of evolution. Not even Darwin could shut me down. Maybe Ben Stein.

Think: elephants. Giant, African elephants that sense danger and use their powerful trunks to shield you from earthquakes, missiles, crackheads, anorexics fishing for compliments, and dam breaks.

We just need to produce one elephant per person. Then, we need to break them, teach them that we are the master class and they are here to serve us. Then, we need to build special housing for them, provide barely adequate schooling, and demonstrate a pipeline for high-achievers that promotes false hope but keep them tirelessly invested in the system.

Text me for your coupon. First 100 get a free 1-month subscription to DirecTV.


Wednesday, March 10, 2010

Tubba Predicts the Oscars

Thing #1 about the Oscars Tubba hates is all the stupid categories that don't matter. Best animated short? Best makeup? You get prizes for that? In pre-K, you get punched in your face and your snak-pak gets stolen.

Thing #2 that Tubba hates about the Oscars is that my 2nd annual viewing party (which rivals Elton John's in its fanfare and the availability of dozens of prescription drugs) was CANCELLED this year. Let it sink in. Now you're gonna shake a little. Sit with it. Breathe.

Apparently, Helmut is not allowed to be that close to that many Jewish people all at once. Even on television. His parents, who fled to the US from Austria via Argentina, are well into their dotage and have "extremist opinions" about Jews. But who doesn't? Take Sal for example. I love him. He's on retainer and at my disposal at all times. Plus, he just adjusted his retainer from $30,000 per annum to $100,000 per annum on account of the border war I started with Connecticut. That's lower, right? Tubba only knows up to 4. It would be below me to learn numbers. That's what we have the women for. Am I right or am I right?

Thing #3 that Tubba hates about the Oscars is white people. Check out the ginger b*tch interrupting my man 'Marbles' during his acceptance speech for the movie he made about lame people.

My man 'Marbles' with 2009 Kentucky Derby winner, Mine that Bird

See that fist, indicating that she cannot count past four? B*tch probably expects people like Tubba to do all the counting for her. Little does she know that much like the US Government and Wall Street, Tubba cares little for paltry differences between and among digits. Tubba only cares for himself (that is why the Government and Wall Street pay tithings to Tubba).

And finally, #4: Jeremy is pulling the Prius around to take me to the Harvard Square IHOP, where they don't play the stupid Oscars. And that's the last thing Tubba hates about the Oscars: that I can't watch them and eat pancakes at the same time. Although this isn't really Tubba's fault. We were going to watch at Fudrucker's in Connecticut, but then Jeremy's Mom told him that she has cancer, and then Jeremy started crying, and Tubba said "isn't that just code for gay, because Father McMullin said that being gay is a terrible disease that kills you, too." And then Tubba blacked out and Jeremy made some kind of scene, and then the fire engines came, and neither of us is allowed in Connecticut anymore.

Which is really too bad because Tubba LOVES funerals.