Monday, February 1, 2010

Ask Tubba

Dear Tubba,

In 2008, my husband was laid off. After we went through our savings, I took a job as as a bartender, despite having an MFA in studio art. Even though I take care of our two young sons during the day, my husband asks his mother to watch them when I work at night. She says she doesn't mind, but it's putting a great deal of strain on our relationship. What should I do?

Candice in Cincinnati

Dear Candice:

First, love the name. Is that pronounced like 'canned-ass'? Or like the combination of 'candy' and 'class'? Please fill us in on the etymology when you get a minute. We will be holding our collective breath.

Second, I'm reminded of a recent episode of Hey Paula!, the neorealist offering from E! featuring Paula Abdul as her quirky, horse-faced self (sidebar, my column is now called Ask! Tubba!). After paying a visit to QVC to look over her new line of terrible, terrible jewelry, Paula laments to her assistants that "it's a curse to be this creative."

2009 Kentucky Derby Winner
'Mine That Bird'

Like Paula, my public does not appreciate how much fame takes out of me. Last Halloween, when Host said I was punished for making threats, did I leave you hanging? No; sporting a cardboard Burger King crown and a pillowcase, I knocked on doors. "And what are you supposed to be?" they asked. "Oedipus. Where your Mom at?"

That's why we had to leave Wellesley.

Third, you have way too much education to be married. Only ugly girls need graduate degrees.

Fourthly, strain is not always bad; in fact, it's a natural part of the day for many people. Unless you start to see blood in there. Then defiantly call someone.

Finally, send me your children and I will consume them. If you think they can run faster than a late model Jazzy, please notify Jeremy via email.

T. Le-La

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