Wednesday, March 24, 2010

Pinochet & Konundrum

Besides liberty and freedom, what Tubba misses most from the second Bush administration is Star Wars.

Not the movies. I annexed 7.5 GB of Jeremy's iPhone to house permanent copies of both Star Wars films. Notice how I say both, as in two. Can't throw all strikes, George.

No; what I miss is the Star Wars program at which I was employed as Chief Scientific Officer until the Communists shut it down.

Our ambitious plan was to thwart Soviet missiles by intercepting them with lasers.

Think of how safe you'd feel, knowing that you are blanketed in an invisible shield that has faked more than one successful trial. Sadly, the program is no more, damn commies.

But not to fear; sleep soundly at night, my friends. Tubba has a new solution, propelled by thousands of years of evolution. Not even Darwin could shut me down. Maybe Ben Stein.

Think: elephants. Giant, African elephants that sense danger and use their powerful trunks to shield you from earthquakes, missiles, crackheads, anorexics fishing for compliments, and dam breaks.

We just need to produce one elephant per person. Then, we need to break them, teach them that we are the master class and they are here to serve us. Then, we need to build special housing for them, provide barely adequate schooling, and demonstrate a pipeline for high-achievers that promotes false hope but keep them tirelessly invested in the system.

Text me for your coupon. First 100 get a free 1-month subscription to DirecTV.


1 comment:

  1. Broken...barely adequate education...pipeline for high achievers that inspires false hope and futile investment in system? Elephants are going to be the new working class? I don't think they'll go for it; their sense of community is too strong. Try chimps.